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MAC and Peas
erratic_prophet | 27 May, 2007 22:12
The crazies were out in full force today..
Very Old Lady: "Where's your MAC counter?"
Me: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but this store doesn't have a MAC counter."
VOL: "And why not?!"
Me: "As you can see, we have.."
(More)Now It All Makes Sense
erratic_prophet | 26 February, 2007 11:19
Where I got my bad taste in men..
Mom: "So for our first date-- and the first time I've ever been to a movie-- your father took me to see Death Wish.."
Me: "...you're kidding me, right?"
Mom: "I wish. I was horrified! I kept my eyes squeezed shut the whole time. I thought all movies were that bad."
Me: "So he takes you to see Death Wish and you not only date him again, but marry him? What's wrong with you?"
Mom: "I don't know.. I thought he was cute!"
Me: "God. The Girl is so screwed if she inherits the Date-Only-Idiots gene from us."
Happy Senility Day!
erratic_prophet | 31 January, 2007 18:20
Last night...
Me: "Guess what tomorrow is?"
The Girl: Noticing her grandmother has entered the room, whispers, "Grandma's birthday!"
Me: "It's not a secret from her. She's not that old that we can surprise her with it."
***
And today...
The Girl: "Happy Birthday, Grandma! You look tired. Are you ready to retire yet?"
Me: "Again. She's not actually that old. You age both of us when you do that."
Mom: "Can we just forget today?"
Me: "None of us are that old yet. Sorry."
Tra La La
erratic_prophet | 19 January, 2007 12:02
So there I was, watching Beauty and the Geek, when some familiar music started to play...
Me: "GUNTHER!" [Should add in here that this link is probably not only nsfw but also not safe for your sanity.]
Mom: "What?"
Me: "Him! That singing! That whisper singing! It's Gunther!"
(More)Why I Hate Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo
erratic_prophet | 20 November, 2006 12:44
A bulleted list of the reasons why I hate Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo (and why I'm going back to Yasmin):
- It's spin-the-dial format. I don't do well with circular. Do you know how many times I've over-clicked and had to spin all of the way around again to the right day? I need linear!
- Numbers. I can't do numbers either. Am I on day 12 or 13? Or was it actually 11? I don't know! Give me days of the week! I know when it's Monday or Tuesday! Or I can ask someone and they know.
Another One-- Or Two-- Bites the Dust
erratic_prophet | 07 November, 2006 15:35
Cosmetics Coworker: "So did you hear?"
Me: "I hear nothing. Tell me."
Cosmetics Coworker: "New girl was so desperate to get out of here that just before she went to lunch, she said that her cousin died from a heroin overdose and then took off. Haven't seen her since."
Me: "Heroin? Wow. She really wanted out. My cousin would've just gotten into a car accident or fallen off a ladder or something.."
(More)British Grannies and Mesh Shirts
erratic_prophet | 08 October, 2006 20:31
Some coworkers-- B, D, and T-- and I went to a faux Irish pub/eatery last night for some fun and relaxation, during which we discussed:
Interior Design..
Me: "This wallpaper isn't working for me."
B: "Too fancy?"
Me: "Too granny's parlor."
B: "British granny. Serving tea."
Me: "And it totally clashes with the neon beer signs."
(More)Holy Crap!
erratic_prophet | 18 September, 2006 12:24I thought that an apt title since those are the words that have been so frequently falling from my lips. I've been a busy little monkey lately. I've been: getting the kids ready for school, helping new hires at work, bracing myself for the upcoming holiday onslaught, and fending off well-meaning cupids. I haven't had a chance to breathe! (More)
No Free Lunch
erratic_prophet | 08 September, 2006 11:31
The Girl: "Mom, we need lunch money for tomorrow."
Me: "You're not going to pay with your good looks and charm?"
The Girl: "I really think we'll need the money.."
Pimp My Ride
erratic_prophet | 02 August, 2006 17:51
At the supermarket...
The Boy: "Can I get this?" Holding yet another bag of chips.
Me: "I said no! You got the microwave popcorn."
The Boy: "But we don't have a microwave in the car!"
(Special thanks to J for the title.)
Pocket Change
erratic_prophet | 18 July, 2006 09:29
At the end of one shift and the start of mine, yesterday..
Coworker: "Oh! I almost forgot to tell you... The register might be short or over because of a deposit gone wrong."
Me: "What happened?"
Coworker: "Well, someone made this big payment and you know we can't have too much money in the register so I went to drop it off in the back. Only I was told I did it wrong. But it can't be because I followed procedure in the book!"
(More)CK Dior
erratic_prophet | 09 July, 2006 13:14
Overheard, of course, at work...
Frangrance Coworker: "This is our new fragrance, Miss Dior Cherie.."
Customer: "Who makes it?"
Sarcastic Coworker: "Calvin Klein."
I swear that my coworkers are the only reason I stay somewhat sane...and very amused.
When It Rains..
erratic_prophet | 28 June, 2006 11:02
I'm finally posting after somewhat recovering from probably the most stressful weekend at work in history. To sum it up: the mugginess was unbearable, the central air was blowing hot instead of cool, people were getting sick and dizzy left and right, many coworkers were going through personal crises, I found out another coworker not only had a stroke, but also a heart attack and lung cancer and only a few days left to live, and then I got into it with my department manager who has this tendency to shriek at people like a banshee because she has no self-control whatsoever. I can't even count how many times she screamed so badly at the coworker with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) that she had to take medical leave. The stress would make her body shut down.
(More)
Tightening the Belt
erratic_prophet | 23 June, 2006 17:34
Father: "When I was on vacation, I had a man make three extra holes in my belt and now look." (Showing only one hole left on the belt.) "What do you think that means?"
Me: "The belt stretched?"
It was almost too easy..
Southern Discomfort
erratic_prophet | 22 June, 2006 15:16
From my very southern cousin during family reunion (imagine a Scarlett O'Hara accent)...
Southern Cousin: "So on the way up here, we stopped for a bite to eat. I was dying for something to drink so I asked for a sweet tea. They told me 'Ma'am, we're sorry but we don't have any sweet tea, we only have unsweetened tea.' so I got that. And wouldn't you know it? It was that Nestea stuff. Well, I knew I was north of Virginia then!"
You can take the girl out of the south, but not the sweet tea out of her hands.
Opinionated
erratic_prophet | 05 June, 2006 13:42
My cousin's two-- almost three!-- year old was over today. She's quite the opinionated little tot and shared with me her thoughts on many subjects, including..
On morality: "These kids came into my yard and play with my toys! They ride my car! Bad kids! They don't even ask my mommy! Bad kids!"
On food:"I like spicy chicken!"
(More)E-I-E-I-Oh, God!
erratic_prophet | 01 June, 2006 19:43
Whilst tearing open the packaging on my brand new itty bitty mp3 player (Mine is the acid green one.)...
Dad: "What's that?"
Me: "My new mp3 player."
Dad: "Is that one of those ePads?"
(More)Miscellany
erratic_prophet | 30 May, 2006 16:46
Things I've Been Doing:
- Finally got a trim. I was in dire need since I hadn't had one for at least 6 months. I should be publically flogged, I know.
- I've spent a little and saved a little. Soon I'll have to spend more in preparation for a little trip to the beach. I just bought a 1 gig mp3 player for super cheap and I can't wait to drag it around. Much easier than carrying a 400 cd case around.
Squirt
erratic_prophet | 15 May, 2006 11:20
Can't say I overheard this because it was said right to me...
Male Manager: After spritzing himself with DKNY's fragrance Be Delicious Red (it looks like an apple), "So I not only sprayed myself in the eyes and mouth because the sprayer squirts up instead of out, but I also sprayed myself with women's perfume? Fantastic!"
Yes, we're always spritzing ourselves with our favorite perfumes at work. And sometimes each other.
Night Sunscreen
erratic_prophet | 10 May, 2006 11:13
Overheard at work...
Cosmetics Coworker: "Why do I work here? I'm going to go insane! I just had a woman ask me for a night-time moisturizer with sunscreen!"
The Idiot
erratic_prophet | 08 May, 2006 04:35
After trimming the fuschia bush that grows in front of our house in hopes that it would become less sparse...
The Girl: "Oh my god! Mom! Some idiot chopped up our bush!"
Me: "I would be that idiot, thanks."
Judgmental
erratic_prophet | 22 April, 2006 11:53
Overheard at work because when am I not there lately?
Coworker: Eying a badly dressed customer, "I'm not prejudiced. I'm just extremely judgmental."
Juicy
erratic_prophet | 18 April, 2006 23:28
Whilst discussing, at work, the crazy things customers say...
Cosmetics Coworker: "You wouldn't believe how many people call these 'Juicy Lubes'. Not even young people being ironic. I'm talking old ladies in their 70s.."
At Work...
erratic_prophet | 22 March, 2006 11:34
Security Guy: "Everyone's on crack today."
Me: "Is this the official diagnosis?"
Security Guy: "Yeah.."
Me: "So it's not just me being bitchy?"
Security Guy: "That too.."
Sunglasses
erratic_prophet | 25 February, 2006 22:54
We did a spot of shopping today. I found nothing at the stores-- did all of my shopping online later on. I stopped to look at some sunglasses because i desperately need a pair after my previous pair snapped. The Girl was trying on a few pairs along with me (Why are all of the sunglasses these buggy/Willy Wonka types?) when this happened...
The Boy: Holding up a pretend camera says, "Strike a pose!" and after a pause, "Different pose!"
The Girl: "I was posing all girly!"
The Boy: "It wasn't working."Nana Rocks!
erratic_prophet | 07 February, 2006 18:39So J's been trying to get me to listen to this band. Now to explain why I didn't immediately run and listen to them-- because, usually, J and I have very similar taste in music and that's very likely why we put up with each other-- is because I just knew I wouldn't like them. Sometimes you just get a feeling about something and you must follow that instinct even when your friend is IMing you with "god dammit. why do i post again?" But I am a good friend, so I listened. And this is the conversation that followed.. (More)
Really Mature
erratic_prophet | 28 January, 2006 13:33
Last night, exiting McDonalds..
The Boy: "Guess what I smell?"
Me: "Your butt?"
Mom: "Hee!"
Truer Words..
erratic_prophet | 11 January, 2006 15:20
The Girl: Running out of school today, "I had a great day today!"
Me: "That's great! What did you do?"
The Girl: "I did all of my work and the teacher didn't have to put up with me!"
Calling the Cops
erratic_prophet | 16 December, 2005 20:45
Or Blockage vs. Dirt.
It's gotten to the point where anytime I see any kind of construction going on, I can feel my blood pressure rise. The idiot squad across the street is still moving around various piles of dirt and blocking up the road, but not doing much else. Unless you consider making lots of noise doing something. Today was the final straw: they blocked our fucking driveway.
(More)Brush It Off
erratic_prophet | 14 December, 2005 11:20
So today was the day I stopped by at my former salon to pick up the rest of my things. I was determined to go in and be polite. As my mother says, no need to burn bridges, right?
My Dear Albanian Friend (a.k.a., DAF) was in today, so I chatted with her as I picked up my things. She asked about my health and we discussed children's doctors-- as mothers are wont to do-- when we were interrupted by a snippy voice. Or should I say Snippy's voice?
(More)The Quotable Family
erratic_prophet | 17 November, 2005 15:11
Me: "So I'm, like, fast forwarding through two hours of Diagnosis Murder before I realize that we, in fact, did not record Lost and I know nothing about VCRs.."
(More)Crocheted Cobwebs
erratic_prophet | 11 November, 2005 15:01
Me: "I want to crochet an afghan, but I think I need different yarn. This stuff is too fuzzy. Look at the granny square I made last night."
Mom: "It..reminds me of something.. I can't think of what."
Me: "Cobwebs."
Mom: "That's it!"
Me: "Yeah, I realized that before I went to bed last night. That's why I want new yarn. I don't want a blanket made of cobwebs."
Screening Calls
erratic_prophet | 06 November, 2005 12:42
Whilst screening calls...
Phone: "Hello, this is Bill Clinton.."
Me: "Did he just say Bill Clinton?"
Mom: "Yeah, don't you feel honored?"
Phone: "Blah blah blah vote on Tuesday blah blah blah.."
(More)Peachesfuzzes
erratic_prophet | 17 October, 2005 14:32
The Boy: "Mom! Look!" Points vaguely near nose.
Me: "Umm.. What am I looking at or for?"
The Boy: "Here!" Points near lip.
Me: "...I still don't know.."
The Boy: Sighs and points near nose again.
Me: "Your nose? Your lip? What?"
(More)Another Horseman
erratic_prophet | 06 October, 2005 17:53
Me: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have bred.
J: ...
J: lies.
J: LIES.
Me: I shit you not.
J: it's the end of the world.
Me: There's another horseman.
(More)
Full Moon Madness, Pt. 2
erratic_prophet | 22 August, 2005 21:17
I completely forgot to mention the crazy coworker I worked with last Saturday.
Let me paint a picture of my day first. I was feeling crap. Waves of dizziness and nausea hit me, letting me know of an oncoming migraine. Add onto that cramps and crazy people and I was positively chipper.
(More)Full Moon Madness
erratic_prophet | 20 August, 2005 21:31A few coworkers and I were discussing how the crazy quotient jumped way up the past couple of days. We blame it on the full moon. It's the only logical explanation. I even have an example from today... (More)
The Final Test
erratic_prophet | 16 August, 2005 15:09Today was my CT scan. My very last test. At least, it had better be my last test. I'm done with these things. I've got enough holes and bruises on my arms to make people suspect that I might very well be a junkie. (More)
Zombies
erratic_prophet | 15 August, 2005 14:01A few days ago, I was flipping through the channels, looking for something to watch, when I landed on MTV. Some good music was playing. I was shocked and settled down to watch. Then the video for Feel Good Inc. (from Demon Days- Gorillaz) came on.. (More)
Craving
erratic_prophet | 05 August, 2005 21:45I've had this huge craving for ribollita-- a wonderful Italian soup made with cannelini beans, greens and thickened with bread (really!)-- and since I had the day off today-- and none off this weekend-- we set off for the farmer's market nearby to purchase items so I could gorge myself on hot, steamy goodness in the middle of a heat wave. (More)
On the Phone
erratic_prophet | 28 July, 2005 16:33I'll be the first to admit that I'm not at my best on the phone-- I'd much rather talk face to face, fire off a few emails, or click-clack through some IMs-- but my kids are the worst. No, really. They are. I'm not even exaggerating. (More)
Life From the Couch
erratic_prophet | 26 July, 2005 22:30
I figured that since I seem to wind up passed out there so often lately, I'd make the couch my new bed. At least until tomorrow night. It's nice until a random child awakens me from my blissful (medicated) slumber only to bother me with exciting conversation that makes me want to reach for the bottle. Any bottle.
(More)The Questionnaire
erratic_prophet | 05 July, 2005 16:22
Since it seems that I've gotten rid of all psychos and stalkers in my life, it's only time before the next one pops up. I've become practical about this. I figure that any future suitor will have to answer a basic questionnaire I've come up with. I've been fine tuning it, with the help of J. It always helps to have a guy's opinion on this stuff.
(More)Work Conversations
erratic_prophet | 25 June, 2005 19:16
A coworker (referred to as A throughout this post) and I had been discussing another coworker (another R).. Ok, we were trash talking. I'll admit it. This coworker never ever leaves the register and never cleans the area. This worried us because the lazy coworker was closing the store and we would be opening it the next day.
We were going crazy, trying to find out if anyone else would be closing with the other R. Someone who would actually not leave a huge mess for us to deal with when coworker L came in...
(More)Only in Threes
erratic_prophet | 16 June, 2005 14:09
Another letter from The Mad Poet came today. This is the third from him for those of you keeping track. It came less than a week after his last. I thought I'd get a longer reprieve than that. No rest for the wicked, I guess.
(More)Unscrambler
erratic_prophet | 15 June, 2005 12:20
The Girl has a hard time with unscrambling words. She's been staring at the same sheet for about a half hour now. Why is The Girl at home and not at school? Remember how I said she was a demon in the guise of a sweet little seven year old girl?
(More)Snippets
erratic_prophet | 09 June, 2005 16:35
Snippets of conversation from the past few days..
***
Me: "(The Boy), what did you win that bucket of candy for again?"The Boy: "What's 'candyforagain'?"
Me: "What?"
The Boy: "What's 'candyforagain'?"
Me: "Candy. For. Again. What did you win that candy for? I forgot."
The Boy: "Oooooooh.. Why didn't you ask me then?"
(More)Managerial Speak
erratic_prophet | 04 June, 2005 21:04
What is with managers? I've never heard my name used so many times in my life. And that was in just one conversation.
Ok, it's not all managers. Just two at my store. One of them abuses my name more than the other. We had the following conversation last night...
(More)A Born Shopper
erratic_prophet | 28 May, 2005 22:39
I brought my kids and mom over to my store today before work to pick up some things on sale. This was the greatest thing in the world, according to the girl, and led to this conversation..
(More)Hey Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?
erratic_prophet | 27 May, 2005 16:21
I just overheard this conversation between the kids..
The Girl: "Hey, (The Boy)?"
The Boy: "What?"
The Girl: "Do you have a dime I can borrow?"
(More)Canny Hands
erratic_prophet | 25 May, 2005 16:09
I've mentioned before how going food shopping with my kids is on par with going through all nine circles of hell for a day trip. In fact, I think the day trip to hell sounds rather pleasant. I could pack a light picnic or something. It'd be a few hours being tormented by other beings anyway.
(More)Reactions to Family Portrait
erratic_prophet | 24 May, 2005 16:09
I showed the family my South Park portraits (D'oh! Forgot to put up the link yesterday.). This is what they had to say...
(More)The TRUE Story of the Three Little Pigs
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 22:53
I swear I had nothing to do with this. My daughter likes to make her little books. Usually they involve princesses and the like. This one's different. I stumbled upon it last night while picking up some papers the kids had left around the house.
I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves..
A Stork of Genius
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 16:44
My mother-- like many other mothers, I'm sure-- is rather fond of watching Lifetime movies. She has somehow wrangled my daughter into watching them. The problem with this-- besides the whole watching Lifetime movies thing-- is that my daughter has the attention span of a golden retriever on crack. She spends most of the movie asking questions about what she just talked over, not realizing that no one else heard a damn thing over her yammering. This has lead to the rule "Mouth shut, ears open". I should mention that my daughter isn't a follower of rules.
(More)Intrigue! Horror!
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 16:39
Yesterday..
Me: Is it just me or do you find the whole Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise pairing disturbing and awkward?
J: ...
J: no way
Me: You haven't seen them?! They're everywhere!!
J: i've been in meetings!
Me: Watching them kiss is about as exciting as licking the sidewalk.
Guess Who?
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 16:34
The kids are playing Guess Who? and The Girl keeps winning. This is not going well with The Boy. Not at all. He hates to lose. The Girl was trying to comfort him with...
(More)Silent Protest(s)
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 16:11
Last night...
Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "Yeah?"
Huh? Wha?
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 16:10
The Boy and The Girl have been playing pen pals with my mom's boss. My mom's boss is an old friend of the family. I've known him since I was their age, so he's especially excited about me having kids. The Girl was reading us his latest letter when we had this misunderstanding...
(More)Conversations with My Mother
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 15:38
Me: "Mom? Remember when I was little and nothing was child-proofed? How the playground was rife with metal, rust and sharp, pointy objects?"
(More)She's a BIG Lady!
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 15:36
My daughter's version of London Bridge:
All the branches falling down,
Falling down, falling down,
All the branches falling down,
My god, lady!
I think I like it better than the original. It's certainly funnier.
The Talk
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 15:25When you're a parent there are certain responsibilities. You're the one who guides your little bundle of joy through their early years. You mostly lead by example. That is why we lie a lot. Who really is that nicely mannered? But in front of your kids, you have to be. There are also times when you have to sit your kids down and have a heart to heart talk. (More)
Tea, Pee, What's the Difference?
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 15:19
I was just sitting here, enjoying my lovely mug of tea when some
sloshed onto my shirt. I exclaim, "Oh, great! I spilled tea on myself."
Which lead to this conversation..
Me: (string of muttered curses)
Mom: "You what?"
Me: "I got tea on myself."
Mom: "Pee? You peed yourself?"
Me: "Tea! I spilled tea on my shirt!"
Mom: "Oooh.. Tea. Tea on yourself. Heh."
Me: "Yes, mom. I've been potty-trained. You were there, remember?"
That'll show 'em!
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 15:12
Mom: So I told the boss that I won't be working anymore overtime!
Me: But...you brought work home with you..
Mom: ....yes.
Me: So you're doing the work, but for free. Did you think this out?
The Glasses
erratic_prophet | 12 May, 2005 15:11Today, I get a call from the kids' school. The boy has broken his glasses and I need to bring him a spare pair. Luckily, we had a pair to spare. (More)